Brewerkz night-out

Had a smashing Saturday evening at Brewerkz with the airforce guys; though I can't help but notice how drinks weren't flowing as readily fun was. My guess is not only that RSAF is a bad paymaster, perhaps it is as they say, when you have nearly nothing, you have almost nothing to lose.

Judging from Eve's new love handles, it must be quite pleasurable dating Alvin...but she is adorable all the same, no less intelligent too. It is nice to have Adrian near again, even though I've seen him consecutively for 2 nights in a row for drinks, his overflowing confidence is infectious and endearing, always easy to hang around him. Bernard looked pensive the entire time, but I am not interested the least in what passes through his mind. I think i preferred the Bernard that me and JM hung out together with KM and Adrian. Same place, same booze but different mood. Joshua was his usual charming and haughty self, always bored yet highly agitable. Lawrence wore his accustomed worldwisely look all night while Alvin's attention seemed only affixed on Eve. Lucky babe! Chee Siang makes fresh company (and hence conversations) while Alan was inconspicuously missing. Malcolm's more toned down than I recall him to be and KM was hardly there at all. Yejun seemed quite displaced but he is too well-aware to allow external scrutiny so I won't be able to proffer a reason, but I guess the attention he got is more than he'd bargained for. Things were quite high with his butt episode but it's a pretty buttless (or bootless) attempt. Vierra is more British than I know Finnish people to be. She is pretty and blond, great for the kids too!

JM was charming alright, he was quick at apology for keeping me from my girlfriends, i'd have been quite blue if he hadn't been quick enough. He must've been quite mad at me for concluding the night too early but he was smart enough to hush it for for a sweeter afterward kiss :)

It wasn't that difficult probing for a place at Dragon's... but it was, managing conflicts. He must hate the aftermath of every outings. Loved the foreplay, quite some passion... Though I wish it'd be like that more often. Enjoyed the ride back even more, cos I know it was totally against his wishes to send me home :)) He will face more inexplicable drama if he'd let me ride NR home and wose still, alone...

Would have liked more people to come by but I guess there isn't room enough anywhere for the class of 20.

2006 (misfortunes) and beginning

So many things have happened since 2006 started that already sees this year to be perilous, when it has barely even started.

Dad just lost his job, and gone too are his priced possessions; car, reputation, pride, privileges to drinks and recreation. Along with his loss, Mum discovered his chalked up credit card bills. All his savings are now gone to fill out the depths he created over the years (for himself). He is 50 and he now has exactly what he had when he was 15-and-starting-out. I can only imagine how he feels. Without a car to ferry him no more, I know life will never again be the same for him. Someone who is used to luxury and having pretentious cronies stick around him having to face the predicament of nearing bankrupcy; while carry on days lonesome and cronies-less, it's scary to even come close to imagining . It is nearing CNY...where people come together to share about the year's worthy gossips, A's trivials, B's achievements, C's secrets-no-more and D'ad's misfortune, which I know will form just half of the more palatable gossip. I only know I won't wish to be around when tongues are wagging.

There will be a couple of outings lined up with he and his friends this CNY and I don't know how I can juggle work, family and him and friends and my heavier heart. Aside to that, I completely fouled up my chances of working at Trix by the last deed I committed. Cass is never gonna trust me with assignments ever again. Life can suck more than I can imagine.

Altruism

Created a blog for me to document trvials between me and JM, but I just realised that I don't exactly know what to write on the blog. What can I possibly say that is not censor-able about us that will not tresspass social and privacy rights?

Love, we all need that. More... if we can demand it. Which some are better at than others, and ideally speaking, the "others" here are the ones who are better lovers, this is a bane. We should all seek to be as selfish as possible, courtesy of BN.

Soonthorn & the Thai-world

CH is back from France today, today is JM's birthday and I realise that I am hooked on life's greatest intellectual vice; demand for certainty, in a world that is dominated by its very opposite.

I like Soonthorn. He seems like a dedicated man, I like thais when they make the cut. Wait, that statement don't actually just apply to thai-men, but to all men actually. I am sure mediaedge will be more than what I bargained for.

My weight has been fluctuating. I was given up by Emirates cos of my height, my weight'd better perform better henceforth. Cass will then load me more work than she is now. It is a world of appearances. It's a sorry thing when we live in a world whereby only one form of beauty is appreciated. Hah! We shouldn't be sorry because more girls are benefitting from this social norm than not. The Sex industry probably fed more girls than any other industry. Sex and beauty, functions, even if their theories go together, or separate.

I am surprised Jerry is having so much trouble with his girl, but its good cos it means they are working something out together. More tales ahead I am sure.

Dilemmas

Just read Jasmine's blog. Jacarandas, she calls it, wonder what that meant. She sounded so angry, I'd think she never got a day past JC. But then again, who isnt angry? Everyone just has so much dirt stuck inside their pipes the dredging might take forever.

HM and KM and her went to catch a movie, just like old days, where the rest of us are "accidentally" excluded and then later blamed for our absences. Funny the way their minds work. Jasmine says the traffic is really clogging her sanity, hmmm...i guess that kinda shift happens when you are let off to Jupiter for awhile, you come back hating everything on Earth. I donno if I crave the opportunity to walk out and breathe sulphur.

Met YL, or EP again after so long, she is still the same, wonder if I should be glad. But one point is proven enough, we still cannot be friends. HM and KM are similarly vengenceful. It's like what transgressed btwn me and our common friend is anything they ever gave 2 hoots. They never did (and probably never will), so why so much to say now?

I guess being assigned to SEMBAB, JM is feeling upset about being separated from Ber (who is going to PL), his lifeline and only real friend in Air Log 8. I am worried about him but I know that the more i worry the more unstable we become...I will leave the nerotic me behind.

Read a line that struck a chord: "The tendency to seek certainty is an intellectual vice, but the best cannot seem to refrain". And yet we are supposed to refrain from dogmatism and scepticism, for the former is harmful and the latter essentially useless. Both are certain and that discounts both as ultimate. Even insisting on having an ultimate is insisting on certainty.
Paradoxes of life.

True Love is Lasting

如果這就是愛 在轉身就該勇敢留下來

So true, I guess we keep asking what Love is. It is staying and never going away. It is an unknown force that compells you to stay behind when everyone else has gone away. Even when life tells you to go, you find deep a factor that makes you eventually linger, makes you want to linger even longer.

Biopolar disorder

A Long-Term Illness That Can Be Effectively Treated
Even though episodes of mania and depression naturally come and go, it is important to understand that bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that currently has no cure. Staying on treatment, even during well times, can help keep the disease under control and reduce the chance of having recurrent, worsening episodes.

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong
A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.
Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't sleep
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

A depressive episode is diagnosed if five or more of these symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of 2 weeks or longer.

Diagnosis:

Mood Disorder - Mixed Episode Symptoms
A mixed episode is not a disorder, but rather a part of a mental disorder, most commonly bipolar disorder. It consists of meeting the criteria for both a manic episode as well as a major depressive episode nearly every day for at least a full week.

Just some thoughts

The person who loves you most will always be yourself. JM quoted through Mao Zedong. Interesting conversation, the most interesting we had in a long while, but he wouldnt plough on, not him, not my man. He stays on safe shores, does things that are as good as possible, avoiding the side of him to err naturally. That is what keeps us going, I get good lessons just watching him remain him...

Brenda is in China with Chet, onto new adventures, she is hoping to land herself a huge fortune when Chet passes on, she doesn't say but what else can it be? But I do wish she will be successful.

A little political

I finally realised why Politics is the most difficult part of corporate work. You don't know if you should create it or live without it. We cannot get rid of the innate nature of life: a boring waiting process whereby people try to spruce up by means of creating politics, even it be negative ones.

Rationalising Shame

Kris is amazing. She really is what I would call the epitome of Uni gal. Confident, superb, uncontestable, nonchalant even in the face of competition (maybe I hardly am to her). I am amazed at how numb I can feel throughout the ordeal. Numb to reality, to shame. I think I am outdoing myself. I'd have performed better had there not been a wardrobe malfunction I suppose. But Kris is nice enough to cover up for me.
I wonder what it is like being her. Or not being me for a day. Ha...but we are all born ourselves. There is no point in wishing to be on greener pastures, it is only a waste of time in wishing. It is better to grasp the day and live life to the fullest, even it be on one's own.

But I really wish to continue this. It is a good way to forgo the self, and focus on what is more important, beyond the self. To belittle everything so that nothing matters anymore is the best way to find happiness in its raw self. That is all that matters, isn't it?

Perhaps, perhaps Love.

Is there a way not to miss JM? An hour or so will be useful.
Just read CH's blog. Can't believe I have to hear about Kevin's stuff from someone interning in France... For EP, I am really more disconnected with MPX more than I'd ever allow myself to be. I'm supposed to meet Rayner tmr, but I guess it's no-go as usual.
I realised to shock today that I cannot recall a lot of details about the early part of me and JM's relationship anymore. Hail to Genie, she is finally beginning to treat JM as part of her life.
Caught "Perhaps.Love" yesterday. Peter Ho has outdone himself, I must say, from his earlier works to recent's. He is still incomparable to Hollywood but it sure is a laudable effort. Makes me wonder about Love as a whole, bitterness, sweetness, pain... Perhaps real love is as he says, transcient...but thank heavens there are so many versions of love, some are not just perhaps.

Oddupy

Love this song by Show, ahsiahsi. It grooves my "audifactorial" senses like no other.

I think Wisdom is by circumstance and chance alone. No one can expect it to linger forever, it comes and goes. It can be faked (can't everything?) or authentic, therefore the beholder must be cautious. If so, it must be of God in origin, and everything of God appears almost unconscious.

Read up on ID, Ego and Superego yesterday, funny how knowledge never stays for long. Perhaps because humans cannot understand anything completely, for perfect understanding is of God but in our mundane hours, everything can sabotage God's presence.

It's funny how since Adam screwed up, it takes this much intensity to reach God's level. You start having to push everything to its extremes to find a little bit of God. The World start labelling you an Extremist, when it was supposed to be all normal.

Never again

今生不再

多得这雨势将烟花破毁

才令我体会凡事会枯萎

多得这霎那不小心脱轨

遗憾才会令你珍惜的彻底

多得这霎那分针不再转

才让时间实践惊心的爱恋

同渡过这盛世

随手都采到星火的美丽

但我怎知道这份执秘抱入来世仍在你躯体？

就趁那歌声悠扬

玻璃倒影了今生不再的幻像

天空正挂着今世不再的月亮

斐短流长未来将怎样设想

恨这晚歌声悠扬

当中多少秒钟可跟最爱来分享？

种种恩恩爱爱可胜展多少世代仍在唱？

种种恩恩爱爱不可多得的美丽但无常

怎么可设想？

Breakup

I realised that I still like this font the most. Reminds me of my favourite font: American Typewriter. Miss being in Arts class, miss alot of things I had in the past. Made some bad choices I must say but we can't go back there to rectify it now. Then again, who's to judge what is the worst or best choice? Life is a whole bagful of laughable paradoxes.

Psychologist call religion the attempt to master the sensory world in which we are situated by trying to live the wishful world we all secretly have inside us. But it don't explain away the hidden desires we have, I think psychologists are mistaken badly.
Met Key last night, talked about blogging, he says he sees not the point of blogging. Eff him. He still has a long way to grow, that boy. He is cute though.

Guess I am officially broken with JM. No point in dwelling, though I hope deep inside the pain goes away totally. I am trying not to think about it. The vacation is surely untimely. The last thing I need right now is infinite time. I know he don't love me anymore, he can gimme all kinds of excuses or make up all kinds of reasons but they will not stand. What transgressed will not be forgotten. The human mind is such an amazing thing, we thrive on memories, because they serve as an irrepressible drive that moves our tardy mechanisms.

Dreams disrupted. It always happens when your dream does not contain yourself but someone else. God says live for Love, because that's all we have. But he stopped short of defining it. Or perhaps he meant Love to be Sacrifice; a concept associated eternally with pain. That's why most people readily laugh it off. But when you get twirled in the whirlwind of Love and fresh emotions, the process is tiresome, endless. I dare not let it sink in; the fact that I may lose him forever. May not be able to feel his arms around me forever. I must refute the thought, reject it in Christ's name. For with God, nothing is impossible. Sentimentality, as Freud says, are mere emotions. Capability for intensely strong emotions, that's what it is. Love has to be requitted. What can love sustain itself on if not for primal drives? Drives that existed even before time did. I must lessen the effect of what I feel by numbing myself to the reality that is lashing its fangs at me. I must brace and be strong to face what comes. To create a better future for myself and for those whom I truly love and love me back. I know I must. I won't be defeated. Will i?

Reliving Philo class once more

All bored persons blog
All persons are bored in reality
Therefore, all persons blog.

That is the kind of theory that I had to sit through in Philosophy class when I was in school, imagine the sense? And mind you, they call it Higher Learning. Great sense of humour. Just for the record, let me attempt to improve that sense without changing the type of logic used.

All bored persons blog
All persons are bored in reality
Therefore all persons blog.
This is the ideal case
Ideals cannot work in reality
Therefore in reality, not all persons blog.

Bored out of my means

I have decided to invest in a Gameboy micro. Actually it's more like cos life's tedium is getting to me, and I am too lazy to fill time intellectually.
Hm... I wish to try out bar top dancing. I think it can be pretty cool. But i am stretching my means and still cannot find an entry into the industry. Administrating anything seem to get harder the older you grow, guess its cos our life chances are directly related to when we have youth to offer. Duh. Even if i manage to conquer the admin part, I am sure I won do it, cos JM won't be glad. Yikes.

Life's a Breeze

Am in an anticipatory mood, looking towards the vacation in Penang now. Having nothing but 2 whole days all to myself, to do the things that I wish to do. Have no one stick around me to vex my decisions and to cause inadequacy. Life can be a breeze for the coming weekend! Yeah!

Here is the image, "Gates of Hell" by famous Rodin. Haven't read up the significance of the symbols and sculpted yet. I am sure I've seen this before in Art class though, wish I paid more attention.

Irene,
I only mentioned BEST EFFORTS, not promise. Had advise Alan before replying.

Regards,
Bernice

-----Original Message-----
From: Irene Ng
Sent: 28 November 2005 16:42
To: 'Junie Ong'; Bernice
Cc: Kenny Chin; 'Alan'
Subject: Re: Eastern research - revised time line

Hi Bernice,
Next time, please check with us first before you promise any REVISED time line with client.
For this project, Junie & I should have no problem meeting the revised time line. In fact, I plan to send them the data even earlier.
BUT, this is not always the case for other projects... It depends on DP current workload & other projects' date line.
Appreciate your understanding.

Regards,
Irene

----- Original Message -----
From: "Bernice"
To: "'Sharon'";"'Junie Ong'"; "'Irene Ng'"
Cc: "'Alan'" "'Patrick Poon'"
Sent: Monday, November 28, 2005 4:17 PM
Subject: RE: Eastern research - codeframe4

Hi Sharon,
As mentioned, we will try our best effort to finish coding today but looking at the short time (mentioned to you we have a company function to attend this evening). Yes, I will do a check and we will try our best efforts for the timeline you mentioned earlier.

Best regards,
Bernice Tey

It's really weird how catfights can begin with things that matter so little. The project was supposed to be mine but Irene and Bernice can find something to argue about. We should just accept diversity as part and parcel of life and not try to restrict diversity with coercion.
Haven't been able to see the correlation between Cerebral size and eating disorders. All the pages just lead to research on Cerebral Cortex sizes.

Happy Occasions

Just finished with a colleague's wedding. Pan Pac, it was superb! The conversations with Kenny was really entertaining and kept the mood up the entire night at least. The bride's prettier in person than her pictures.
Attended a friend's birthday party, she looked amazing while I think I must have looked like a whore. It's no wonder JM looked as though he was ready to murder the span of the night. HS, CH and Rayner were at the event too, EP was conspicuously missing, it is weird considering her relations with HS. I had to endure JM openly flirting with HS at the start of the night, well boy, do that again and I will show you what Embarrassment can mean. HS has very loving and supportive parents I realised though, lucky her.