Meet the Dragon

Inspired by a certain someone, I renewed my zest for blogging, not only because I find it healthy to, but also out of tedium (or a lack of conversationalist, with JM being away).
Anyway swimming in the the grey matter these days has been the idea of getting a body-tattoo. Sure MC and JM have advised unanimously, against such extreme artistic epxression through irreversible body art. To allay my impulses, JM called me "a bad girl". Honey, I don't mind labels much. MC went as far as to suggest that no decent man'll want to marry someone who looks like a gangster in the bedroom, his reasoning was that "pre-coitus and at the point of mutually disrobing, any man's sexual interest will take a dive when he realises the fair maiden he is in love with is in fact a Dragon-lady". LOL. Nice try MC, you almost convinced me. Except, I wasn't considering the the image of an expanded dragon skeleton. Rather, I am looking to to get a mod just about the size of a 50 cent coin. I have even researched on the motif already, and I swear it's got absolutely nothing to do with fire-spewing dragons or ash-rising pheonixes, thank you very much.
I will however consider your point about your not having had, a purchase whose novelty outlasted the impulse. The point is, tattoos are symbollic meanings, and I don't foresee me getting bored with the meaning behind the motif in point. And it will not be an impulse buy, which I will prove by assigning a year's idle moments to making the ultimate decision. So your theory can't stick.
If anything, I am worried of most people's reaction to my sudden dive to the wild side (perhaps even contemplating about it suggests the overtly-animalistic side to me). I do assure that if getting a tattoo means I am in fact untamed, perhaps we all misunderstood me.
I can't help but notice the huge stigma attached to the idea of pierced body art. The social view of tattoos infers to vocabulary like Gangster, Convict, Ill-bred, Arrogant, Hooligan. The litany of negative connotations is endless.
A Hitstory take on the orgins of tattoo doesn't help clear the bad repute. History teems with examples of involuntary scarification; slaves' or tribes' motifs branding, or gang-identifications' modification. These stories (often gory) emphasize on the tale-worthy side of Body Modification by choosing to concentrate on the great physical torment and mental anguish, prior and post scarification and how the mental effects of body modification alters the mind no less irreversibly than the act itself. With stories like that, it is perhaps no wonder that voluntary scarification gets hardly a decent nod. After all, which sane person will agree it is sane to want to self inflict pain and scar?
Perhaps what I do agree with from these allegories is the association between this form of Art and its alteration of the mind, albeit, I believe it can happen both ways. Let's just talk about justifications of people whose mental anguish toward a subject is so overwhelming that they decide that the only way to augment it is to flaunt it (through an image) or "translate" the tormenting mental repression into the physical, so that their pain is in a way "shared" with all who come into visual contact with the tattoo transcribed (tattoo as expressions of their identity), they call it "wearing" the pain. Publicizing pain through Body Art so that it may be shared may seem perverse to most, but neither can most people understand real psychological loads so weighty that it requires purging of such compromised standard to release.
Comparing justifications for Body Art between the past and present ages is like comparing happiness levels between the neanderthal and post-capitalist being. Comparisons of this sort, even if endeavored is futile and ultimately non conclusive.
Anyway for those grippling that this Genie may turn into a dragon-lady overnight, your fear is mostly unfounded. I still have 346 days of musing to do.

of Hearsay and Prophesy

"We'll meet again...when you're ready to travel the most secret path of all."

Of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural and secret knowledge;

Scrolls of arcane information that she may, or may not reveal;

A moon crown on her head and crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what others otherwise might not see
The throne leads to the deepest, most esoteric and secret knowledge

When you get to her, you're going to be learning some very odd things, Very odd

A spiritual woman, a nun or astrologer, a teacher of archaic knowledge, or just a reclusive relative who knows a lot of family secrets

She is a repository of obscure knowledge, a walking library with uncanny instincts and insights

She may, as well, come across as cold, unpredictable, even scary

A week of Gameboy, Booze, Birthdays and Mahjong

Time for an update on last week :
First up last sunday; in my wildest dream will i only imagine how much fun i can have with EP, CH, HS and PX... Been awhile since i even considered giving in to the desires of catching up with them and look what happens when you overcome the self? A great time! Plus even greater memories to add to the treasure trove. Oh and to begin with, I don't even like hanging out on Sunday nights! I guess i really owe E.P. one for "one-up" (Gameboy term), wouldn't be so if she were absent! Kudos to friendship and the love betwn gurls! (thanks 10!)
It is a sure pity that HS and PX are no longer together, but he sure is his lighter self...can be lighter still though. Well, its up to EP from now though. That gurl...my head goes all ways when it comes to her...
Clocked an all-time LOW record of weekly talktime with JM. With his Koup Lion/Tiger stint, I've really decided (this time, with extra affirmation) that I am not one up for a relationship that is geographicall challenged. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"... Oh yeah, just the heart though, everything else distances; mindsets, ideas, aspirations, beliefs... Whoever penned the line really left out some huge reality gaps in favor of the romantic factor.
What else...Jaime celebrated her bday. With low-key grace... Anything for that lady though. Love you anytime, everytime. Guess you really hate the Carlo Rino bag. Damn! I'd have headed to pasar malam instead la. I'll ensure Pauline listens to me on the next! But I realise birthdays should no longer be viewed as a celebration-worthy ocassions, once one gets past the 21st mark. Every additional one actually celebrates a shorter road to the mortuary.! Quite macabre, but logically it's incontestable. No wonder protagonists are always hard to please, perhaps enjoying the day just is not meant to be.
The overnite mahjong's with the guys at Malcolm's has caused me to like the game less. Too much of a thing is never good. But I picked up the formal rules nonetheless...
Bought my first Gameboy consol, alright!!! 2nd hand yada, but Mario still blinks perfunctorily when he bends forth to unroot the mushroom, that's good enough on my standards! JM would probably consider it a mistake to get Advance since its the DS that allows for the former's game packs. Well, maybe I won't let him in on this tiny knowledge :))) Too bad I may never lay hands on the BIG 2, which was the initial motivation for the investment...But seems rewards are more than initially forecasted.
Made time for more shopping and the usual dieting, haven't boogied in awhile though, the reserves are depleting. Gotta top it up now that I just blew some 500 bucks on JM, Gameboy and booze. Oh heck, all for good causes, so no complaints. Oh wait, I still owe someone bread for a Phantom tic. I STILL DON'T BELIEVE IN SPLURGING ON OPERAS, gosh I better advocate that line more often.
Ann forgot its her bday today till Jill and Tracey 'congratulated' her on hatch-day. Wow, that gurl rox like no-one I've ever met before! Salute to her 0-hubris. Is it a really a good thing? Man, you decide. Nothing more interesting for updates. Will post one again soon.

Blogging and relations

Following the life of a Lawyer through his blog...I'm blown away.
This is perhaps the closest I can come to being near a person whose ways I'll never get to learn, a life I will never be granted membership to. He probably won't agree when he hears this, yet it is so real. Perhaps even when lawyers are paid to defend reality, they have no clue to what real life means. Because to know means compromising what is good and secure now.
He is an interesting fellow though. Worth my while to follow from a distance away, albeit it sure is from a damn long distance away.
I am sitting in office, with nothing considerably constructive enough to occupy my time with (due to being overly-educated) and finishing with the chores so easily (still due to be overly-educated). I am left with practically nothing to do save for reading up lives of people whose faces I don't know. So much for undissipated engergy. That and aside from toying with the a new inspiration to become an accountant (not that I am a naturally numbers-girl), but I realise how I badly need a new direction, and intellectual endeavor that will stand apart from and against the mundanity of all that is using my hours now.
We'll see what comes.

Dine and...blog

Jaime invited me to dinner today. I know she is socially in trouble cos I've always been her last resort for dining partners, and she'll only turn to me when and after she has drained her circles. No bad feelings, since she's never felt that chum with me.. Although I bought Macs already, (to standby as an excuse not to dine with colleagues, not that there is a queue, it's the usual fear of not rising up to expectations, though, what more than this can truly can kill social lives?) I decided I can't possibly turn down my bestest friend... Talked about the usual career choices, her relationships, allowed her to take a glimpse of me and P's wonderland, lucky her.
Visited my idol's blog (she's got an update) and going thru her litany of pals' blogs, I realise a common trait of the people she calls friends and their blogs that can be summarised : Pompous people with bombastic english articulating for endless mouse scrolls, mocking at their own buzz-filled/or lacklustre lives yet lamenting the buzz/or lack of's insignificance. Blah blah blah...
But let's hand it to her Britain. Really.

Skirting Around the Sales Ball

Supposed to have breakfast cum sales conference session today at Traders Hotel but I missed the breakfast since I slept in late and reached when the conference was just commencing. Scheduling a global sales meeting at 745 am is helluva great way to waste time and miss sleep I assure, wonder which department head (or lack of) did the scheduling. Met B. Rodden, who was so ill-prepped he came to a global conference leaving his rodden namecards in Germany. Imagine. And Steve J's Boss...OMG has such slitty eyes, I'd swear he is the meanest Caucasian face I ever saw. I am smittened by this Finnish Kai (I am with Sabrina on this!) ! Well i like to imagine i lit up his view mirror too when we shook hands :)
My skirt's safety pin had to give up on me in midst of such a crucial event (that means they just don't work anymore). Doesn't pay dropping grams when your skirts are all in L sizes (not counting what expansion with each wash). PERFECT. The observant ones probably wonder what stubborn stuff this girl has in her pocket. Managed to slip behind Chapman most of the time... :)
It's puzzling they even want our presence given admin's insignificant position on the supply chain.
I dragged my almost lifeless body back to work right after that, knowing full well 4 hours' rest will scarcely last me the full working day and waited till the day was over, stifling the sleepiness that keeps threatening to override. Still gotta prep for dancing tonight! Been a real while since I had a decent outing that I actually consider fun. I really feel deprived!

Kai Ruo at 10am

Just saw Kai Ruo's blog, the last of her I saw of her was at Fish & Co, she was the waitress. I didn't say hi though, don't know if that'll embarrass her, I've had helluva personal experience years ago with embarrassment of this sort. Well I saw the subject of my embarrassment just couple of weeks back...she looks...lady-like now compared to who or what she was ;P
Well we were kids then, though some of us evidently still are..
It's amazing how a change in timing can make entire days so different. Starting work at 8pm is like eons away from the life I now lead. It's been sometime since I'm out of bed at 10am and going down Orchard road, feels weird seeing everyone else rushing to work, for so long my work alarm is tuned to noontime and beyond. I really need to head back to normalcy if possible...and start feeling like a regular Jane.

Singing in the Summer-rain

Just talked to... Summer, (goodness... I don't recall her real name...) anyway she's a friend who used to have a crush on... some years back. Had to endure reading her ramble about her bf's more endowed frame now, while holding back my own bagful of whines. Oh well, what's a blog for anwyay? To whine to a willing audience hah!

Had a crash with the head of a cross dept today, needed to stand by my act in a professional email cc-ed to a panal of no less than heads of departments, managers and whozwho. Quite an experience I promise, purgatorially. The afterward experience is more surreal definitely though and less threatening than what a direct back-reprisal would've been. Education is afterall supposed to have its effects right? I should seriously watch what I write to EVERYONE from now. You never know which email who chooses to circulate to whom. Hope that gets settled and I offend no further person.

Anyway Summer decided that I was crazy to want to get married so soon and so young. Her words hit a right chord somewhere. But isn't this what growing up is all about?? To get past the childish world of courtships where words are used in mock/make-pretense to a world where words would matter less than actions and lend lesser case to consequences (I really do belittle the power of words don't I?)? She and I are motivated by very different things apparently... and Summer, since when is sex ever a strong indication of "conjugability"??? In your point, men who have slept with you are less likely to bend one knee to acknowledge that the time is ripe to when it is. Well... modern day offers reverse psychology babe. Trust me, you will think it less of a deal to wave off men of that calibre than not! Oh and I think you're seriously misreading the trend of my relationship. Besides whether or not I share my bed is my problem only.

To a lighter subject, the impression I got when I chatted with JM last night was that nothing than being stuck in a place with no proper recreation can do more damages to your liberation. He hinted a little about me not ringing up his mum to chat. Please don't deny that is part of your unspoken expectation of me and that you do have them. WE ARE HUMANS, recall; we all do have silent expectations even of the people we love and our moods do dive when unsung wishes don't come true (and we all forget that we spoke them not aloud)..., please don't exclude yourself from the normal sinner's trajectory for my sake.

Well dude, I forgot to say this last night but, the reason I didn't really call her, aside from the meet-in-laws' jitters, is due to the hours I keep; it'll be at best "unconventional" to call your mum at the time I end each day; not liking her or you enough is not the issue of contention here. But why am I so glad you bothered getting petty about it...

Read the most amazingly well written blog yday that s why i felt the new impetus to make a personal entry...Hopefully I'll start sticking to the routine.

A maze: d S-casio-pae

Haven't created a post for sometime now, almost forgot my userid and pwrd . I decided i should make an entry everytime I change an msn nick. That'll form the new pattern that I will stick to. After all the mind is governed by patterns and schedules. Though I am skeptical of my own ability to keep to any pattern at all!

My mind is driven by a mechanism whose practicality scares even me. There has to be an encompassing reason now. A purpose driving everything, a pragmatic one. Da vinci was amazing for the reason that it is so suitably nonsensical. It is a maze where the ending point is nothing. Great for nothing since it amounts to only great confusion nontheless. I can't enjoy such films anymore.

Let me attempt to stray from the SG mindset to a more romantic subject. Checked out the concept of a Binary star. Let me see if I can regurgitate. A binary star is composed of 2 stars that closely occulates each other, or bound very closely by a gravity force. It is so strong that nothing can separate them. At times, on very good skies, a binary can be told apart by the naked eye, but most require optical tools' aid. Checked out a chart of some of the most arresting binary stars, and Alpha Piscium tops the chart with 1.7 arcseconds, which is the expected time required to be able to separate them. Cool shit! Namewise, perhaps the Sigma Cassiopeiae is more worthy, so distant yet beautiful.

Brewerkz night-out

Had a smashing Saturday evening at Brewerkz with the airforce guys; though I can't help but notice how drinks weren't flowing as readily fun was. My guess is not only that RSAF is a bad paymaster, perhaps it is as they say, when you have nearly nothing, you have almost nothing to lose.

Judging from Eve's new love handles, it must be quite pleasurable dating Alvin...but she is adorable all the same, no less intelligent too. It is nice to have Adrian near again, even though I've seen him consecutively for 2 nights in a row for drinks, his overflowing confidence is infectious and endearing, always easy to hang around him. Bernard looked pensive the entire time, but I am not interested the least in what passes through his mind. I think i preferred the Bernard that me and JM hung out together with KM and Adrian. Same place, same booze but different mood. Joshua was his usual charming and haughty self, always bored yet highly agitable. Lawrence wore his accustomed worldwisely look all night while Alvin's attention seemed only affixed on Eve. Lucky babe! Chee Siang makes fresh company (and hence conversations) while Alan was inconspicuously missing. Malcolm's more toned down than I recall him to be and KM was hardly there at all. Yejun seemed quite displaced but he is too well-aware to allow external scrutiny so I won't be able to proffer a reason, but I guess the attention he got is more than he'd bargained for. Things were quite high with his butt episode but it's a pretty buttless (or bootless) attempt. Vierra is more British than I know Finnish people to be. She is pretty and blond, great for the kids too!

JM was charming alright, he was quick at apology for keeping me from my girlfriends, i'd have been quite blue if he hadn't been quick enough. He must've been quite mad at me for concluding the night too early but he was smart enough to hush it for for a sweeter afterward kiss :)

It wasn't that difficult probing for a place at Dragon's... but it was, managing conflicts. He must hate the aftermath of every outings. Loved the foreplay, quite some passion... Though I wish it'd be like that more often. Enjoyed the ride back even more, cos I know it was totally against his wishes to send me home :)) He will face more inexplicable drama if he'd let me ride NR home and wose still, alone...

Would have liked more people to come by but I guess there isn't room enough anywhere for the class of 20.

2006 (misfortunes) and beginning

So many things have happened since 2006 started that already sees this year to be perilous, when it has barely even started.

Dad just lost his job, and gone too are his priced possessions; car, reputation, pride, privileges to drinks and recreation. Along with his loss, Mum discovered his chalked up credit card bills. All his savings are now gone to fill out the depths he created over the years (for himself). He is 50 and he now has exactly what he had when he was 15-and-starting-out. I can only imagine how he feels. Without a car to ferry him no more, I know life will never again be the same for him. Someone who is used to luxury and having pretentious cronies stick around him having to face the predicament of nearing bankrupcy; while carry on days lonesome and cronies-less, it's scary to even come close to imagining . It is nearing CNY...where people come together to share about the year's worthy gossips, A's trivials, B's achievements, C's secrets-no-more and D'ad's misfortune, which I know will form just half of the more palatable gossip. I only know I won't wish to be around when tongues are wagging.

There will be a couple of outings lined up with he and his friends this CNY and I don't know how I can juggle work, family and him and friends and my heavier heart. Aside to that, I completely fouled up my chances of working at Trix by the last deed I committed. Cass is never gonna trust me with assignments ever again. Life can suck more than I can imagine.

Altruism

Created a blog for me to document trvials between me and JM, but I just realised that I don't exactly know what to write on the blog. What can I possibly say that is not censor-able about us that will not tresspass social and privacy rights?

Love, we all need that. More... if we can demand it. Which some are better at than others, and ideally speaking, the "others" here are the ones who are better lovers, this is a bane. We should all seek to be as selfish as possible, courtesy of BN.

Soonthorn & the Thai-world

CH is back from France today, today is JM's birthday and I realise that I am hooked on life's greatest intellectual vice; demand for certainty, in a world that is dominated by its very opposite.

I like Soonthorn. He seems like a dedicated man, I like thais when they make the cut. Wait, that statement don't actually just apply to thai-men, but to all men actually. I am sure mediaedge will be more than what I bargained for.

My weight has been fluctuating. I was given up by Emirates cos of my height, my weight'd better perform better henceforth. Cass will then load me more work than she is now. It is a world of appearances. It's a sorry thing when we live in a world whereby only one form of beauty is appreciated. Hah! We shouldn't be sorry because more girls are benefitting from this social norm than not. The Sex industry probably fed more girls than any other industry. Sex and beauty, functions, even if their theories go together, or separate.

I am surprised Jerry is having so much trouble with his girl, but its good cos it means they are working something out together. More tales ahead I am sure.

Dilemmas

Just read Jasmine's blog. Jacarandas, she calls it, wonder what that meant. She sounded so angry, I'd think she never got a day past JC. But then again, who isnt angry? Everyone just has so much dirt stuck inside their pipes the dredging might take forever.

HM and KM and her went to catch a movie, just like old days, where the rest of us are "accidentally" excluded and then later blamed for our absences. Funny the way their minds work. Jasmine says the traffic is really clogging her sanity, hmmm...i guess that kinda shift happens when you are let off to Jupiter for awhile, you come back hating everything on Earth. I donno if I crave the opportunity to walk out and breathe sulphur.

Met YL, or EP again after so long, she is still the same, wonder if I should be glad. But one point is proven enough, we still cannot be friends. HM and KM are similarly vengenceful. It's like what transgressed btwn me and our common friend is anything they ever gave 2 hoots. They never did (and probably never will), so why so much to say now?

I guess being assigned to SEMBAB, JM is feeling upset about being separated from Ber (who is going to PL), his lifeline and only real friend in Air Log 8. I am worried about him but I know that the more i worry the more unstable we become...I will leave the nerotic me behind.

Read a line that struck a chord: "The tendency to seek certainty is an intellectual vice, but the best cannot seem to refrain". And yet we are supposed to refrain from dogmatism and scepticism, for the former is harmful and the latter essentially useless. Both are certain and that discounts both as ultimate. Even insisting on having an ultimate is insisting on certainty.
Paradoxes of life.

True Love is Lasting

如果這就是愛 在轉身就該勇敢留下來

So true, I guess we keep asking what Love is. It is staying and never going away. It is an unknown force that compells you to stay behind when everyone else has gone away. Even when life tells you to go, you find deep a factor that makes you eventually linger, makes you want to linger even longer.

Biopolar disorder

A Long-Term Illness That Can Be Effectively Treated
Even though episodes of mania and depression naturally come and go, it is important to understand that bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that currently has no cure. Staying on treatment, even during well times, can help keep the disease under control and reduce the chance of having recurrent, worsening episodes.

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong
A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.
Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't sleep
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

A depressive episode is diagnosed if five or more of these symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of 2 weeks or longer.

Diagnosis:

Mood Disorder - Mixed Episode Symptoms
A mixed episode is not a disorder, but rather a part of a mental disorder, most commonly bipolar disorder. It consists of meeting the criteria for both a manic episode as well as a major depressive episode nearly every day for at least a full week.

Just some thoughts

The person who loves you most will always be yourself. JM quoted through Mao Zedong. Interesting conversation, the most interesting we had in a long while, but he wouldnt plough on, not him, not my man. He stays on safe shores, does things that are as good as possible, avoiding the side of him to err naturally. That is what keeps us going, I get good lessons just watching him remain him...

Brenda is in China with Chet, onto new adventures, she is hoping to land herself a huge fortune when Chet passes on, she doesn't say but what else can it be? But I do wish she will be successful.

A little political

I finally realised why Politics is the most difficult part of corporate work. You don't know if you should create it or live without it. We cannot get rid of the innate nature of life: a boring waiting process whereby people try to spruce up by means of creating politics, even it be negative ones.

Rationalising Shame

Kris is amazing. She really is what I would call the epitome of Uni gal. Confident, superb, uncontestable, nonchalant even in the face of competition (maybe I hardly am to her). I am amazed at how numb I can feel throughout the ordeal. Numb to reality, to shame. I think I am outdoing myself. I'd have performed better had there not been a wardrobe malfunction I suppose. But Kris is nice enough to cover up for me.
I wonder what it is like being her. Or not being me for a day. Ha...but we are all born ourselves. There is no point in wishing to be on greener pastures, it is only a waste of time in wishing. It is better to grasp the day and live life to the fullest, even it be on one's own.

But I really wish to continue this. It is a good way to forgo the self, and focus on what is more important, beyond the self. To belittle everything so that nothing matters anymore is the best way to find happiness in its raw self. That is all that matters, isn't it?

Perhaps, perhaps Love.

Is there a way not to miss JM? An hour or so will be useful.
Just read CH's blog. Can't believe I have to hear about Kevin's stuff from someone interning in France... For EP, I am really more disconnected with MPX more than I'd ever allow myself to be. I'm supposed to meet Rayner tmr, but I guess it's no-go as usual.
I realised to shock today that I cannot recall a lot of details about the early part of me and JM's relationship anymore. Hail to Genie, she is finally beginning to treat JM as part of her life.
Caught "Perhaps.Love" yesterday. Peter Ho has outdone himself, I must say, from his earlier works to recent's. He is still incomparable to Hollywood but it sure is a laudable effort. Makes me wonder about Love as a whole, bitterness, sweetness, pain... Perhaps real love is as he says, transcient...but thank heavens there are so many versions of love, some are not just perhaps.