Nikki - A true woman

Vickie Lynn Hogan or Anna Nicole Smith

(November 28, 1967 ~ February 8, 2007)

In your quest to live a worthy life,

you've gritted your way through every possible tragedy and humiliation.

Still, even with surpassing resilience,

there was none you could find in your means to outlive the death of a most-beloved.

Your were tuly decadent, but you were also truly beautiful.

I pray your inheritance ultimately gets alloted to your child, the living one.

Finally you can rest.

Spring/Summer 2007-2008

Byblos didn't compose for the Spring/summer season so I have to turn to other more expensive labels for haute couture. And I also decided that Armani and Valentino's safe designs are not worthy of much perusal so I skip featuring theirs.

Chanel's characterized by leggings and black stockings, full/knee length patterned dresses, Greek styled dresses or 18thC inspired shifts, gold/silver sequins and body hugging satin. Those and zebra striped cloth, see-through black material, elaborately feathered and frilly designs on full bodiced gowns. Skin tone to silver, grey, to white, black and other flat monotones flat tone form the palatte with occasional repeated/checked squares.

Dior's displayed strong oriental influences (Korean/Vietnamnese/Japanese), Kimono, Korean or Vietnamese traditional dressing, with extricate motifs of oriental emblems, painted faces, Perfectly starched and pressed cloth, folds deliberate. Even shoes and headgear borrowed orient's style, clogs and wide brimmed hat. Colours were bold and bright, (reminiscient of geisha age.

Givenchy's this season is macabre and not without nuances of influence from the dress of the Pope. Matched with upturned hats (bowl-shaped), most models wore full length dresses revealing little skin, if not sleeveless, formless but fold-applenty pull-overs/jackets. Most of the collars also huge, and merges so you are not sure where the dress start. Colours were either flat toned or elaborately patterned.

Jean-Paul Gaultier's my favorite this season, with work heavily influenced by the Stainglass and Catholicism, mirroring almost Givenchy. Think coronation attire; heavy royal and gold sequins. Coloured scarf-like alternative materials peer from underskirts, else intricately flowery cloth, crosses applenty. Formless dresses, elaborate ball gowns (wedding dress style) with colours mostly stuck in the gothic-age; mostly beige, grey, black, oceanus blue, with occasional golds and yellows, else. Gautier displays his creativity this time through his extensively elaborate "corronation-style" headgears.

Lessons from Alicia Keys

On a Woman's worth

Buy me diamonds
Buy me pearls
Take me on a cruise around the world
Prep me dinner lit by candles
And run my bubble bath
Make love to me tenderly to last and last

Yummy... But mostly impractical except for the last line. Try that and these:

Please me like a Real Man should
Know my worth
Treat me fairly (as your equal)
Promise not to bluff
And never play me
Don't take for granted the passion I have for you
Put me FIRST
(when I call for it)
You will lose if you refuse
Cos for me, you'll always come first
And I give you all my goods
Go the mile to make you smile
...and treat you like a Real Woman should

Mmmm hmmm...Definitely practical.

C is for Commitment

I have decided that i am a very committed person. If I wasn't before, I sure am now. If am not outside the social, I really am more so than you think cos Social is My Life; it is all that I live/lived for.

In very unrefined words, I pang-sehed* Rayner for dinner last night cos I promised Mum to be home for her vemicelli (which didn't turn out to be very good). In the afternoon, I accompanied Pauline on her first date with Malcolm, just because I made prior commitments; to the latter to help him get "hitched" and to the former a personal one.

*a Singlish colloquial for "upsetting the plans that others have made with you without informing in prior"

But I had really wanted to do dinner's with Rayner; we've been talking about it for more than a month now.
And I had really not wanted to assist anyone "do dates" (can't 2 independent adults manage a date??)

I can't rationalise why I don't seem to ever be doing the things I want to, nor how I keep getting caught with doing the things I don't want to; except to rest justification on that 'C' word.

Because i want to be Committed to lives of the people I love and nothing short of prolonging their states of happiness satiates me. Even when it means doing things I don't want to do, and not doing the things I want to do.

Oh and I love JM too, I pang-sehed not one but TWO groups of friends to join his family and colleagues on Saturday.

The Seed of Life

"满" I was surfing the net for an image I can use for a tattoo whose symbolism would closely link to the word when I stumbled upon this image (cos I really didn't want to resort to tattooing the Chinese character per se; which would then be toooo obvious and uncool, and not sexy at all).

The Flower of Life (FoL).

Perhaps new to Singaporean Math enthusiasts, this image is not to human history for people around the world have regarded the FoL for its Perfect Form, Proportion, and Harmony. Exactly the symbolisms I need to symbolize JM!

It is over 6000 years old!!! Holy Moly~

The more I found, the more I am convinced that this is divine intervention to help to decide on my tattoo image.

Let's start with the significances behind its perfection. It is said that the within the FoL can be derived :

The Fruit of Life / Metatron Cube.

A geometrical figure of 13 circles. In connecting the centre of each circle to all others' centres with lines, we have a total of 87 lines forming an image of the Metatron Cube.

(The Metatron Cube)

Within this, you may locate all the 2D and flattened depictions of all five Platonic Solids.

(Tetrahedron, Octahedron, Hexahedron or Cube, Dodecahedron, Icosahedron)

Greek Philosopher Plato (hence the name of the solids) postulated that these geometric forms are templates from which all life springs. This was why the Fruit of Life was regarded as the blueprint of the universe since it contains the basis for the design of every atom, molecular structure, life form, and everything in existence. He theorized that the Classical elements of Water, Air, Earth and Fire (from which patterns of nature was observable) were constructed from these solids. His intuitive justifications for their associations follows as :

Air = Octahedron - its miniscule components are so smooth that they can hardly be felt

Fire= Tetrahedron - Heat feels sharp and stabbing

Water = Icosahedron - It easily flows out of one's hand when picked up

Earth = Cube - Un-spherical and clumsy qualities resembles dirt and soil

His disciple, Aristotle added a fifth element,

Ether (aether in Latin) = Dodecahedron - the element that formed the heavens; what the Gods breathe

With improvements in Molecular Sciences, we now know these are not true. But the aesthetic beauty and perfect symmetry of the Platonic solids remain mythified through the Metatron Cube and continues to lend beautiful significance to the Flower of Life.

The FoL is also of perculiar significance to works of Leonardo daVinci. Da Vinci used the FoL design to create other geometric figures such as the Sphere, the Golden Phi, as well as the Torus shape.

Mysticism of the da Vinci effect thickens as I carried on with research; I found religious significance of FoL to Christianity as well as what seemed like divine intervention for deciding on the ultimate image of my future tattoo...

Which is the SEED OF LIFE.

It will rest on my back someday.

A direct variation or a component of the FoL, this image in Christianity, symbolizes the 7 days that God created life; best described in the Biblical Book of Genesis.

The first step in forming the Seed of Life is to draw the circle as a 2D model. Some believe this step was the creation of the Octahedron by a God or divine creator. The next was for the Creator to spin the shape on its axis. In this way, a sphere is formed. The Creator's consciousness is said to exist within the sphere and the only thing that physically exists is the membrane of the sphere itself.

The first day is symbolized by the Vesica Piscis

Christians believe this symbol represents the second stage in the creation of the Seed of Life, through the creation of a sphere joined with the initial. It is said that the Creator's consciousness first began inside the first sphere and later to the surface of that sphere to create the second. Much reference was from the Old Testament, Genesis 1:2 where it was said that "the spirit of the Creator floaded upon the face of the waters." Through creating the second sphere, God is said to have created light, as per Genesis 1:3 "Let there be light". From then, the Vesica Piscis has always carried with it the symbolism of fushion of polarities and opposites.

Christian image of the Fish

Turn it around and the middle enclosed space forms an image of the Fish, which is the Christian symbol for the Son, Jesus Christ.

Add a circle and you get the Second day, Tripod of Life.

The 3 rings when together are inseparable, but remove any one ring and the other two fall apart. Due to this unique property, they have been used in many fields as a symbol of strength in unity.

In Biology, this tripod represents the three organs necessary for sustenance; Heart, Lungs and Brain or the Mind, Body and Spirit

Biologists have even succeeded in constructing Borromean rings from DNA

In Christianity, the Tripod of Life symbolizes the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit

A circle was created with every subsequent day, until all the 7 spheres construct the Seed of Life on the sixth day of Creation. The seventh day was known as Sabbath, or the day of rest.

Genesis 1 1In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. 3And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. 4And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. 5And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day. 6And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. 7And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so. 8And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day. 9And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. 10And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good. 11And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so. 12And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good. 13And the evening and the morning were the third day. 14And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: 15And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so. 16And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. 17And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, 18And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good. 19And the evening and the morning were the fourth day. 20And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. 21And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good. 22And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth. 23And the evening and the morning were the fifth day. 24And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the Earth after his kind: and it was so. 25And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good. 26And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. 27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. 29And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. 30And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. 31And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
Genesis 2:1Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. 3And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

The Golden Spiral

It may perhaps be intriguing to know that the Golden Spiral; a logarithmic spiral whose growth factor is related to Phi; "φ" or the Golden Ratio, may be geometrically obtained from the FoL as well. It's ring expansion is similar and often thought to be identical to the Fibonacci sequence; a series of numbers whose successive numbers relate to each other by the ratio 0.618 or 1.618. This ratio is called the Golden Ratio or Phi and underlines one methodology of analyzing the mathematical relationships between waves. The difference is that the Fibonacci spiral is a whole number interpretation of the arithmetically impossible Golden spiral, which has no beginning or end. The Fibonacci spiral has a defined beginning.

Phi is a constant value no arithmetical solution; the decimals just keep on going into infinity without ever repeating themselves. The unique thing about this number is that it can be found incorporated in all known organic structures. From the bone structure of human beings to the seed pattern of a sunflower to the spiral of a sea shell, the phi proportion is there, underlying all biological structures, seeming to be a geometrical blueprint for life itself.

This Golden Spiral is geometrically considered to be the most even, and hence pleasing form to the human eye. Did I mention that our Home Galaxy, the Milky Way is structured apparently similar to the spiral?

All these can be derived from the Flower of Life, it is indeed uncanny. All I need to know now, is the cost of getting this on my back...

On Xiaxue

Just read Xiaxue's blog; courtesy of the convenient link on Mal's blog. Yes, prior to this, I have never visited it. Not even when my male friends were gaga over her views and life (over mine). Not even when the whole varsity world was gaga over her views and life.

*the singlish colloquiel of "crazy"

I have never visited her blog cos I never saw a point (how different can views on mundane issues get???) and now that I have, I do. I see how pointless it is. Plus how right I was.

Even if I am unbiased (which I am!), her opinions are at best, ordinary. Though her entries are quite hilarious, it is only because she chose to be singlish and crude, anything like that interests the average Singaporean. And for army boys (who form the bulk of readers'), anything "lian" interests.

*the singlish colloquiel of "an attractive 'female'"

Perhaps it also helps to know about 60% of varsity students are Engineers and Scientists. And most Engineers and Scientists are male. BTW, we indulge higher learning precisely to try to diplomatize the profane and crude.

Her fans obviously don't get to speak to an NUS Arts girl much. Cos if they do, they will soon find that almost every FASS girl can rattle off the same opinions (in speech mind you) the same way Xiaxue can shoot her "fingers" off; and still have excess time for more constructive endeavors. And with theatre studies, some of them can act boisterous.

It makes me wonder if these people who follow her blog religiously have their own minds. If they do, how empty is it really that they can find something, in views so ordinary, to admire?

Then again, most Singaoreans are contented living life vicariously. And they probably just wanna experience glam through hers. But through a bummer's life??? How deprived are they, really?

The only reason I can imgagine she won an International award for her blog is the way she writes; she certainly makes her points quite easy to comprehend. But then, only the itellectually deficient can fail to understand what she is trying to say after reading through the AMOUNT she writes!

Especially since most of her points are repetitions of repetitions.

And how can any guy stay attracted to someone this boisterous? Don't they need rest? My guess is that she doesn't talk in her sleep and while having sex; then she obviously acts better than she blogs.

Or perhaps the reason Mike (her Ang-moh bf) takes off back home this often may be secretly due to the fact that she really talks this incessantly!?! He probably needs a break every now and then to escape her never-ending views and constant need to air them (if she still does outside blogging), unless of cos, she really acts better than she blogs.

And yes, someone will knock her plastic nose into an irreparable state eventually if she carries her views aloud with her (I heard she won't even shut up at surgery to give her surgeon some peace).

No, I am not saying these cos I am even the least bit jealous/envious of her fame.

For the sake of humanity, I hope her shot at international recognition is short lived. Can you imagine a world more interested in the trivials of a little girl than their own fucking lives?

Oh perhaps they visit her site cos she is quite a doll to look at.

But any girl can be pretty on her blog (it's HER Blog!) by investing half the amount of time she does on Photoshop or taking personal photographs. And any girl can half as pretty if she invests half as much as Xiaxue does on hair dye, nail polish, MASCARA and girlie dresses. Erm...and whatever else her tiny physique can have space for.

Then again, if her body doesn't have space, there is always still her huge blog.

Men are Merely Boys with Extended Fantasies

Even men who are faithful tend to have roving eyes.

Don't laugh at this stale topic. I know it is not a worthy of much debate at first glance. But look around and you will agree the ubiquity of the phenomenon deserves some 2-cents.

Let's discuss my impetus for this entry first. It's horse-sense, I know, but it's disgusting; such gazes as well as the significance behind them. And honestly, as much as it is absurd to men how women can be ruled entirely by emotions (sensations via a coordination of organs), it is equally baffling to us how your instincts and actions can be governed (everytime) by one single body part...

CNY makes for good opportunities to do sociology of this form since gatherings emphasize men and their "roving" nature when it lends opportunities for the old and young, the attractive and otherwise to mingle, as well as for Alpha simpletons to increase their sexual esteem.

Mutiple master or honor degrees, looks to kill, ceiling-high income cannot help them cross their lustful souls or roving eyes. And even with age and each passing year, men seldom learn enough to surprise.

Maintain a healthy bossom and bum and then dress a little provocatively, a lady can have any guy they fancy eating out of the palm of their hands. Laugh into their eyes and whatever nonsense she sprouts become instantly, golden theory. To get back at Lady B whom Lady A randomly desires or particularly dislikes, all it takes is for her to bend forth to reach for a dropped tart (courtesy of CNY) and accidentally let loose a little cleavage (even lack-of) facing Man B. Who cares if Ladies C, D call her a bitch? There're always still Man C and Man D to be "friends" with.

With losers (most men) and bitches (you-know-which-ladies) everywhere these days, it's little surprise ladies leave their men at home anytime. Imagine introducing your hubby to attractive Veronica and he suddenly develops gentlemanly ways you never suspected he had.

Where women are concerned, there is a chinese saying that wives are to men, forever incomparable to mistresses, and mistresses incomparable to prostitutes, prostitutes incomparable to secret paramours and sercret paramours incomparable to those they secretly-fantasize about. Perhaps men (who never grow from boys) are in reality, rooted in fantasy alone.

Ladies, take it from Madonna and just love cash.

Storm on the 11th Hour

Weather forecast for the second half of 20-Feb-07 had been 'Cloudy overcast with thunderstorm detected islandwide in the late evening'. I had missed accounting to my Boss for my urgent leave off work and needed to make a trip back to to carry out email ritual as was committed.

Perhaps I should've prayed to God for fair weather before heading out but I forgot. Whatever it was, Poseidon certainly saw it as a golden opportunity to kick up a storm at work.

He did, since the effects wouldn't rain on him. It was with sheer dexterity that I managed to steer and still navigate. My radar would signal distress to those who would bother picking up waves. No one did, not even my guy at the lighthouse. It was a public holiday but I had to return to work, this sure added impetus to the cummulo-nimbus clouds above and the drizzle turned into a downpour.

I was hoping the lighthouse's would deliver a soothing voice on time through the buzzer as companion for my lonesome ride home as well as for sweet relief and remedy to the raging emotions the bumpy ride at work today had stirred up in me. He didn't (actually he did, I missed the first call). Instead, he chose to be driving home after a fun gathering at the eleventh hour (the consistant hour I seek remedies) and in the process, miss all my call returns. Worse, it seemed he hadn't even anticipated my call-backs nor come up with rain-checks or measures to allay any negative emotions that I could be harboring due to having to work on a declared rest-day.

If I were to act strongly on this, he'll read it as my not paying heed to the series of strong warnings he'd already dished out the many previous yester-evenings (regarding his particular distaste for disagreements amounting to arguments). But I can't rationalize how this usually responsible chap (who claims he loves me) couldn't even be bothered to ring me up most of the day to say hello and now, couldn't see calling me at our allocated timing as important as driving home.

At this thought, Poseidon joined powers with Zeus and lightning flashed out overhead. I tapped a morse code (to his mobile) "You better have good reasons" - it decoded.

The thunderstorm unleashed with full throttle.

I finally got him on the speaker half an hour from the usual time and I deteced from first hello, his iritation that I was at it again; violating his "no-trash" rule. I know he got my message. I also know I should detour while I still can (and cut the reproach short) to avoid contesting his low and inelastic limit of tolerence. He knows I know and I know he knows I know. But I stubbornly chose to steer head on against the lashing waves and hence demanded his "navigation advice" (reasons).

I was unreasonable mostly throughout as we "covered" topics on my quarrelsome nature, his peace-loving nature, the 11pm-rule time check (he wanted to ruin the significance of the rule which he knows is what I seek, by threatening to set adherence alarms to the hour), the no-storm-rule as well as a bit on equality-of-genders at peddling relationships (a must-do) before I finally touched on my bad day at sea (work).

After learning the cause of the maelstrom (because his girl had had a bad day at work), he steered the course to the conclusive chapter; his ever-ready-ear for his lady's bad days. I relented and the thunderstorm receded to a gentle mizzle. He then threw in a bonus chapter; I'll take you boating down SG river. Smart guy.

The drizzle subsided with Apollo triumphing over Poseidon and Zeus and it was fair skies once again :)

Noontime teasing

"Afternoon dear! Have a good day!"

"Hee... So you do miss me as much as I do. Even while you're on course today (or mebe due to that :) Love you..."

"Give me some credit mah, hah. I always miss u, regardless of the msg or not (*whether I msg or not)."

Oh darling, leave me some credit too, I always believe you do. I just also always choose to pretend I don't...!

Charlie

A death prophesy (though I'd like to imagine otherwise) is perhaps the best and most instant life-transforming mechanism. The Charlie before his entanglement with chronic illness was haughty and aloof, was intolerably nonchalant, was self-importanced and high maintained, most of all, was hardly available and even when available, was always hardly there at all.

Today's Charlie sat through our visit actually paying attention to what was conversed, appearing to apply for once, more of his heart than his mind and making judgements from thoughtful discernment than collected and logical detachment. This Charlie volunteered his presence for the childish and mindless banter his guests imposed and also played host with more energy than was expected of his ill-disposed physique.

Before his deathnote arrived, he was the only one in the family who refused the religion ideology when introduced to Christianity. Today, he attends regular services with his parents at Living Faith's and listens to tapes from Pastor Prince.

Nothing seems more heart-wrenching than realising these transformations. "I work from home more often now" he proffered, almost unintelligibly before we stepped into the house when I inquired.

Is it always this difficult for the humble to watch the proud take their fall?

After the visit, I took a moment of recollection on tales i have heard about Charlie before. My impression of him as a young man wasn't deep, just always felt the younger him to be a gentle and silently resolved teen. From the gossipmills though, his reputation precedes him, I easily recall stories of his retaliation; while at Europe doing his honors, there was once he fractured his arm after losing his cool and pulling several punches at a non-Chinese hurling expletives at Chinese nationals, there was also the case where he wrestled his father (who was a violent man before Christening) when the latter's violence extended to his wife (I remember this cos it particularly surprised me how a scrawny (Charlie then) and mild mannered man can command so much energy for a cause that would matter little to most others.

P & J noted that he looked frailer than he looked when first hospitalized though I thought he looked fine, if not a shade yellow-er. His weaker disposition (hence milder engagement) and regained mellowness reminded me of what I perceived a teenage Charlie; a silent observer armed with more thoughts of isolation than vilification. He even is a church goer now...

Though I prefer this version of him, I hate to be mindful of the cause of his restitution.

Above all said, I pray that God will deliver him from the evil of carcinoma and keep his soul safe from the boundaries of damnation. That the Almighty One will revive in him the spirit of living waters and make intact in his heart, the knowledge of His goodness.

And we will all still get to see him more next CNY.

Love Quotes

Online Quotations: Defining Love

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis, too. That's love.

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your fries without making them give you any of theirs.

Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay.

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more.

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

Get it? ;)

Worser than Loveless

Tell me what's worse than losing your love in modern day context?

Losing your mobile phone.

Really sscarrry.

Chu yi

This year was a little different from the past.

I paid a home-call to JM's grams' abode and met most of his extended family. His well & upper class uncles and aunts, his pretty cousins and adorable nephews.

And I realised...(not without consternation)...

How perhaps due to lack of regular practice, that I can't seem to do the family thing at all.

I fumble internally at every casual comment on my dress, I stutter on replying at curiosites expressed about me and JM's love relationship and my grace fails me at the tiniest indication of hostility (purposefully directed or otherwise). It's been a long time since I experienced scrutiny of this level that despite myself; assigns all my cognitive instincts to high-strung defense mode.

Being among his family folks was like being part of a pompous parade where I laud the beautiful despite my having alternative definitions, where I lend esteem to whom my heart doesn't rest with; where I dish affectational greetings that scantly meets a disapproval.

I tripped over my own leg looking for a miniscule inference of a possible love that can reveal itself amidst the festive hubub among mundanities of events and found scarcely none.

The buzz and fuss over ordinary pineapple tarts makes me feel emptier than the occasion deserves.

I miss Mum a lot suddenly.

Celebrating CNY with Work

There is always a pang associated with CNY for me. Celebratory moods for the occasion belong to a thing of the too-distant past now; maybe before Dad and Mum became irreconcilable, maybe before jadedness about meeting relatives and hearing them ask the same questions over and over took over, maybe before Rabbit-brand candies and Cadbury's became indulgences that I now can ill-afford, perhaps before sweet Granny transformed into bitter Grumpy or maybe above all, before I became too conscious of others' perceptions on my life and its contents.

Rabbits! 're on Wiki: professionally coined "White Rabbit Brand Creamy candies": oh i reali miss em!

There are many things I miss about the old CNYs actually.

I'd like to contest now, even the hassle of taking and changing buses to pay annual homage to Aunt Rich and boredom of waiting for adults to conclude their social games. Oh what'd I give to get another chance to eat Grandma's CNY-spread leftovers (she usually anticipates too many guests) or just sample Mum's Chuyi vermicelli? But I can't since Mum has turned to returning home to avoid Dad's relations. How bad more can things go?

This is probably the 3rd consecutive year that me, P & J have to resort to "shopping" at half-shut malls or spending every ang pow (if we even get any this year) cent on movie tics. And we'll not consider asking Dad to join us for the big screens, since having him around will just emphasize Mum's absence.

Let me try to recall the last CNY eve. Reunion dinner feast was at Granny's, with distant relations from Taiwan playing guests if I remember correct... I turned up late cos me and P were shopping (rather, scrambling last minute at Chinatown (the MRT we hopped on back was monopolized by foreigners who didn't have reunions to make, we felt like tourists at homeland!)...or was that the year before? Hell, I distinctly remember however, post-dinner activity; the movie session with Eve and the guys, Changhao and Sun were there too. Jiaman was still motorbiking then so I hitched a ride back home from Sun. I wonder what activity this year's eve will spell.

Whatever the least, there still is my boy...

Talking about work, I've decide to take on the role of a devoted employee this year. I am probably the only "dedicated" CTS employee returning to work on all of the CNY days to carry out email rituals when the rest of the world pays annual tribute to tradition and kindred bonds.

I hope at least my friends'll wanna hang out. Then again, I just wish this CNY slips by fast enough!

Soliciting help

"Adrian, can you help me contact Jiaman thru his mobile? I can't seem to reach him, he is not answering my calls."

"He should be on his way back...Hahaha...quarrel right? Else you won't be so urgently looking for him, but he is on the chopper, probably won't pick up..."...

"Nevermind then, I will reach him later myself."

"..wait wait wait, just tell me you guys quarrelled, am I correct or not? Just tell me if I am correct or not (I won't ask for what). I'm sure I'm right!"

"You're right, we did. Want a medal for it?"

"Hahaha...I knew it"...


Some friend.

8s to Oblivion & Euphoria

It is ironic how the word "Heroin" first originated from the word, heroisch; a German word for "heroic", coined when people using the medicine first described themselves feeling "heroic".

But perhaps to resort to such means to experience jubilee, these people are indeed courageous in their own rights.

Inspired by the film "Protege" directed by Peter Ho (that and with minimal impetus lent by his sterling cast of great bods), I toured the research of this form of recreation and surprised myself with the findings. Before this, my scant knowledge of the drug revolves what is commonly known; that it is an endorphin-releasing drug commonly used by the extreme depravates (often exacerbating their own deprivations), that subcultures associated with heroin addiction often corelates with those such as Prostitution, and that it is usually administered using syringes and injections. My research led to new associations to the theme as well as advancements of what I already knew. Here are the summaries of the amazing facts i found; some of which repulsed, astounded and intriqued me all at once :

Sigmund Freud; founder of Psychoanalysis and probably the most influential psychiatrist of the 20th Century, used the drug to assist in his euthanasia after contracting throat cancer at age 83.

From 1898 to 1910, Heroin was initially marketed by Pharmaceutical giant, Bayer as a non-addictive morphin substitute and cough remedy for children, unbeknownst to the fact that Heroin actually converts to morphin in the liver after being administered orally. This error is a historical blunder still attached to this day to the drug company.

Popular street names of the drug include Gear, Diesel, Smack, Bobby, Horse, Junk, Jenny, Brown, Brown Sugar, Dark, Dope, Dragon, Bitch.

Heroin is used to create an intense feeling of europhia that disappears each time as the body develops increasing tolerance to its effects.

Many users dissolve the drug with cocaine (snowball or speedball) before injecting into the veins to heighten the rush, but is highly dangerous since overdosage of either drug can kill the user almost immediately.

Heroin can be administered in 6 ways. Orally; in vivo, Snorting, Smoking, Inhalation (by vapourization), Injections (Intramuscular or intravenous). Partaking it orally treats it as a drug per ser with effects like those of Morphine; which stimulates less than it numbs what pain. Snorting creates a slow onset of about 10 to 15 minutes while smoking it creates an immediate but milder effect. Intramuscular injecting it takes slight shorter, 5 to 8 minutes, and finally the most preferred method; intravenously creates the highest rush within 7 to 8 seconds.

The scientific explanation for the rush of happiness reported by partakers is due to the agonistic nature of the drug; which simply means its molecular ability to bind itself to receptors and trigger sensations; in this case to neurotransmitters that reduces or stops the Endorphin that causes pain (this reduction causes dependability). Instead, it triggers 4 types of neurotransmitters that are directly responsible for creating bodily sensations.

A person once addicted to the drug requires administration within 6 to 24 hours after each "fix", but significant symptoms will subside gradually within 4 days at the drug's withdrawal (subject to later relapses).

Treatments of Heroine addiction usually requires using substituting drugs which lends the partaker ability to rely in a similar fashion on a less harmful drug (an effect known as cross tolerance). Environmental rather than physical reasons often account for addicts' relapses after full withdrawal.

Trauma of withdrawal symptoms include sweating, anxiety, malaise, depression, persistent and intense penile erection in males, extra sensitivity at the genitals in females, cramp-like pains in the limbs, yawning, insomnia, cold sweats, nausea, chillls, severe muscle cramps, bone aches, fever and diarrhea, goosebumps and involuntarily shaking of the limbs; the list does not include yet its psychological effects.

Currently, Ibogaine (made from mostly natural ingredients from African plants) is considered the most effective drug in combating addiction to Heroin (it can interrupt Heroin addiction for up to 3 to 6 months, where the body slowly adjusts without Heroin intake). The addiction to this drug is considered less harmful. It is also known to treat other, even non-drug related compulsive behaviors. Atatxia, aside from hallucinations reported by users of this drug (who become continually in a dream-wake state) deems it a physically and mentally exhausting drug to use; given that it has an active window of 24 to 48 hours. Isolated cases of Fatal cardiac irregularities are also not unheard of.

Musicians and Creative people often credit Heroin for their major epiphanies, but no concrete scientic links has yet proved that the drug indeed simulates creativity.

Varieties of Heroin include the Mexican Black Tar Heroin; prevalent in the United States, its colloquial names are Pigment, Negro, Chiva (Spanish for young goat) and Nut Job as well as Cheese; which is the combination of Heroin with the common cold medication, these are snorted most commonly. Hillbilly Heroin or Oxycodone is another form that combines the drug with common paracetamols, it is usually used as controlled drugs to combat pain.

These research helped me better comprehend many scenes of the film, now on retrospect.

The film perhaps can best be summarised as a story of tragedy told in mock-documentary fashion intejected with drama whose precincts are borrowed from the stale Infernal Affairs. It is a laudable attempt by Peter Ho to allay the commoner's curiosity with decadence of this sort, given his overt tone in portraying the reality of Heroin abusers. What I can't agree with though, is how he corelates the emptiness of life with drug abuse. What he could have done is contrast the struggles between those who choose Heroin over tedium and those who choose to deal with the tedium simply as tedium, by presenting "Emptiness" as a state that sometimes juxtaposes itself and is confused with life and that choices eventually triumph when everything else fails to piece.

Playing Touch

There is something scary about losing contact with people when you get out of school. You lose all the markings that once served well as personal benchmarks (so that you even know there is self-improvement when there is). And trust me, both knowing and not knowing where you stand at each point of maturing has dangers that can profoundly influence life's later courses.

People are also important because when you are ready to up to the next level, you want to be sure that there are people watching you at it, you also want to be sure that there are people you can watch while at it, so you can emulate and escalate in style.

The funny thing is you don't really know you are losing touch with people until you are struggling at your workdesk (a battleground where people try to make school applicable).

Perhaps there is something about having to earn a living that makes people mature overnight, and this maturation makes them now wish they had listened to Someone's advice and paid more attention to school when "asked" to because now we realise that we can't really apply what we've been made to read during the uniformed days to what we're now made to do now in our white-collar days, the descrepancy usually takes its worst beating in the social.

How so? Joe may ask. Someone once said that the worst thing about being poor is that it takes up literally all your time. Nothing truer; cos now that the span of the day and night pretty much sees Work stretched out, phone lists'll run shorter and there is almost nothing much you can anything about it, because you're stuck with having to make dough the only way you know of.

The ironic thing is that it is People who make lives worth living for; it is Them who tell you where the next turn is and it is Them who watch you take it, it is Them you eventually want to show your achievements to. It is Them you eventually live for...

All things considered, we'll actually (against our initial beliefs) pass on the legacy and nag at the little ones we care about to study hard when at school. So they can get to keep who they wish to keep in their lives, easily.

Cuteness redefined

Kawaii, or 可愛さ, kawaisa, for a long time has been the dominant trend for most Japanese culture (evident in its entertainment, consumer products, societal mannerisms and behavior), with its infectiousness fast spreading to most of all Asian societies; Korean, Taiwanese, even our sophisticated sister-country, Hong Kong, as can be observed by Japanese animation inspired fashion (hair-do, clothes, accessories), communication (the array of mandarin lingo that is 'cuteness-inspired') and entertainment (the influx of Taiwanese, Korean and Japanese cutesy-inspired youth-idol drama series, cartoons etc).
A Sociology professor at Tokyo's Musashi University, Nobuyoshi Kurita notes "cuteness" as a magical term that encompasses everything that's acceptable and desirable in Japan. Following his theory, perhaps then "cuteness" summises what Asians in general view as non-antagonising and wholesome. If something has to be cute before it is acceptable, I can only imagine cute-sifying even politics to ensure the regular Tom gives 2 hoots about the state of his country.
I proffer an explanation of the phenomenon, quoting off what minority of Japanese skeptics observed. In particular, Hiroto Murasawa, professor of beauty and culture at Osaka Shoin Women's University, borrows Sigmund Freud's view and contends that the perculiar inclination to all things "cute" is in actuality, a sign of an infantile mentality; a refusal to grow out of what is in fact a childhood depravation (from play), a sign of fixation at the infant stage, where being cute then serves as the waving sword to obtain all things desirable. Murasawa goes on to assert that cuteness is "a mentality that breeds non-assertion..." to the extend that "individuals who choose to stand out get beaten down".
I have not had the luxury of reading personally, Murasawa's paper; however I do wish to put forth my inelaborate penny's worth on the topic based on what my predecessors have started.
Being "kawaii" is almost always, a certain way of increasing security and accessibility of what is classified desirable in society for the protagonists. But it is more deserving to ponder what it is that serves as motivations behind the acceptances of such "cute" offers and the likely trend that a cute-inclined society fronts in terms of social, intellectual and morality.
Some bits to ponder will be :

1. Societies whose members insist on a trend of "cuteness" in whichever pursuits are less likely to display drive towards intellectual creation and retention, absences of such drives spell intellectual retardation on a societal level (Compare in particular if you will, between the occidental and oriental differences to the mentality of 'Kawaii', and how "Cute" in fact is even held as derogative in Western mentalities, then weigh their respective contributions to international intelligence.)


2. Societies swearing by an ardent pursuit for "all that embodies Cuteness" are less likely to form systems to protect the adults from the necessary dilemmas that Aging pose to the common (and encouraged) trajectories of marriage and family (I assumed aging as opposed to "cuteness")


3. How can the archaic but socially desirable traits such as Chivalry and Gallantry stand in a society in pursuit of the "cute" concept.


4. Is a societal tendency to succumb to "cuteness" in actuality a sign of collective avoidance, therefore a preferreable retreat from partaking in above-board competitions (and hence upholding the rules necessary for healthy compeitions) ? For with any progress (of any sort) must there be allowed healthy compeititions which then require reasonable governance and jurisdiction over winnings and defeats.


5. How can we; if we are ourselves a bunch of fixated infants, demand sense from our descendents and together create a land marked by equality, merit and hope when we are forever trapped and monopolized by our personal tendencies towards "cute" offers?


6. What standards of competition can prevail in a society that lends disproportionate tendencies to "cuteness" ?


7. What's the point in Dove's Inner-Beauty campaign when a society unanimously hail to only skin-deep forms of beauty?

If intellectual arguments fail to strike a chord, what about this; it is as repulsive witnessing a bunch of girls swoon over a virtual character crying "Kawaii!" as it is bearing testimony to a bunch of testosterone-charged males falling over their clumsy heels when Cyndie Wang prances and sings 'Honey'.

Perhaps, it matters also that I am not cute.

A note to Malcolm

Oh Malcolm, conversations with you made the long distance (and frequent wrong detours) to ECP worthwhile. Since neither you nor me have a special penchant for jogging, what better use can the long seaside path be put to than good tete-a-tete? You sure are a master planner at life and hearing you talk about life reminds me of what I need to start drafting for the future... Oh, and I am sure JY'll be yours (if you want it); the way I am seeing it, she's bidding her time for a slow saunter into your eventual embrace (can't appear too eager can a lady?)... She seems to me the ever pragmatic lover (it figures, accountant...), and certainly she is a romantic at heart (the way she insists on keeping the TV tuned to Chinese MTVs') those plus the fact that she's Malaysian makes her a comparatively better lay (look me up for greater elaboration anytime), I guess my hopes of laying you for a brother-in-law seem pretty dashed... But I wish you all the best, rather I never stop trying to ;)

Another indecision

It stuck me hard today what JM's camp, MC, BN, LT and guys will think when they see me at my part-time's. Will they be loyal enough to accept that as identity in part of this Genie, and proffer true friendship as solace for my dark days or will they scorn at my lack of more glamorous means to an end? Or perhaps the reason I am not telling is cos I do suspect more plausibility in the latter.
What'd even JM think? His innocent view of the workscope (my boy really imagines dough to come this easy...) attests to how I should allow him the grace of partial knowledge... With me and my work, he surely is being left many idle moments to himself and "Friends" (I still can't decide if it is a good thing), though I wonder why he doesn't go and do sometings nice for his Real ones... then again, search the world over and you scarce find a pal.
What about those who ARE my friends? How'd they perceive that side of me? Friends, I think I need a real definition of that social category first, I will sustain forecasts for now.
Dear God, if this is Your nod to my secret prayers, Your ways sure can be blatant and raw.
Now that I have proven that brains and bitch can coexist in single soul, what more remains for me in this line? I should look something new up. Still there remains the factor that cash here is pretty good and better, straightforward.
I should really pay Cass more loyalty, except a consideration of the work hazzards dispel possible allegiance.
My Dear Body, perhaps what I really need is your indication to call it quits, though I do fear your backlash.